Ok, so here goes nothing. I am not a blogger or anything close to being a good writer(please don’t judge or critique my writing, I’m warning you I am not good at this), I am not even an emotional person but something has been pushing me to start this blog for the last few months ago. I have made this account and left it alone for a few weeks, then I came back to it and spent about 5 minutes on it and got frustrated and thought it was stupid so I ignored it for a few more weeks but finally here I am writing my first blog. I actually have always enjoyed reading people’s blogs, but never thought I had the time or that my life was anywhere near that exciting for someone to sit down and actually read about it. I have now realized that I need to do this for myself, not for anyone else. I am going to try my best to let out all of these raw emotions I have, but I think it is going to be very hard for me and for my husband. Like I said before, I am not an emotional person (on the outside at least) I tend to hold everything in and just pretend to be strong 24/7. You see, this is how I was raised. My mother nor my father are overly emotional people and my mother especially raised me with a kind of tough love that has been instilled in me and part of me is thankful for it. However, I also realize now that it may have been easier on me if I was able to just dish out my emotions like most “normal” people do. Maybe this is going to be a way for me to be emotional but not the kind of emotion that makes me uncomfortable. I don’t like seeing people hurt, or people seeing me hurt. I like to pretend like everything is okay, even when it isn’t. It’s easier for me that way.
I also feel like I have always compared bloggers to complainers. I have always felt like it is so selfish to have a blog for the sole purpose of griping but I understand that now it is a way to vent, a way to remember what you were feeling at that exact moment and to one day look back and be thankful for the journey that got you to where you want to be. The older I have gotten, the less I realize I have to complain about. No my life is not perfect but I have an amazing family, friend and husband and we are all healthy and that is as close to perfect as it gets(for me at least).
If you don’t already know by the title of my blog,
where what I want to be is pregnant. My reasoning for this blog is I know there is a possibility I have a long road ahead of me, I still have faith that I will get pregnant soon but I like to prepare myself for the worst. This blog will also be a friendly reminder if I do get pregnant on those days and nights when I am throwing up from morning sickness, or at the point of extreme exhaustion from being up all night with a crying newborn or even fast forward a few years when I am dealing with a case of the terrible twos, I can come back to this blog and remember how bad I wanted and prayed for a child of my own and realize how blessed I truly am. I want to document my victories and struggles either way so when my family and friends wonder how I am feeling or how I got through it, they can just read my blog entries and hopefully understand it all.
And if you haven’t guessed already, I obviously haven’t been able to get pregnant, and it is starting to take its toll on me. I need to vent to someone/something and I am hoping this will help. Although, I don’t plan on publishing this blog until I get pregnant or until I am ready to tell the world that I have been unsuccessful in conceiving a child and staring down the long expensive road of IVF, either way there is nothing that will stop me from having a child of my own one day.
Until next time…