Bittersweet

I actually have been looking forward to writing this next post. I guess know I understand why people do this. Now I can take out my feelings here instead of on my husband(haha). I actually published the first blog I wrote today, although I wrote it a few days ago. I have decided I will keep them password protected since there are a select few who know what I am going through and I would like to keep them updated.(I think their support is going help me a lot during this process) I also have decided that I intend on keeping up this blog if I ever do get pregnant.

On Tuesday, I went to my gyno to discuss some things with her. I actually had to change doctors from the one who I had been seeing because she was a Presbyterian(different hosptial) doctor and my insurance is through work (CHS). My friend who is currently pregnant and due in March referred me to her so that made me feel a little more at ease. I wanted to make this appointment a while ago, but I wasn’t sure what the doctor would think. Would she secretly be laughing in side when I told her it had only been 6 months since we had started trying to conceive?(hold your judgement right there.)

yes, it has only been 6 months but it has felt like forever for me. It took me awhile to get Mark on board since we were still living in an apartment and he wanted to be settled down in a house, which I agreed with him but it didn’t matter to me. Mark and I have talked about babies long before we were married let alone engaged. I wanted to make sure that he knew he was marrying someone who wanted children, not just one, not just two but maybe four. After we got engaged in June of 2010, we originally planned to be married in May of 2011 and I figured after that we would start trying. Well unfortunately due to certain circumstances we were not able to have our “dream” wedding until April of 2012 which put my baby plans pushed back even further. Point of the story is, I have been dying to have a child longer than just 6 months. So of course, when I finally got Mark on the baby train, I thought it would instantly happen, it never crossed my mind that I would be struggling to have a child.

Back to the doctor appointment, I did my research(possibly too much of it) and I am well aware that it takes “normal” couples up to a year to conceive and that most doctors don’t really care what you have to say until then. But I was dying to go and just talk to someone to make sure that I was doing everything right and wasn’t missing my ovulation. I had to wait for over an hour because the lady in the room next to me was trying to birth twins in the office and the doctors and nurses were trying to convince her to go to the hospital. As if I wasn’t nervous enough for this appointment, and my blood pressure was SKY high, the nurse checked it twice just to make sure her machine wasn’t messing up and told me she wanted to recheck it after I was done with the doctor, now I was having to sit there and listen to this lady scream in agony. So I sat around, palms sweating and started googling on my iPAD. Yep googling, I am the google princess queen. I google everything and it is not a good habit. Google is a great resource but at the same time a completely unreliable one. So of course here I am googling my blood pressure trying to figure out if I am about to die because I sure feel like it.

Eventually, the doctor came in and I just started venting to her. I’m sure hears it all the time. She gathered all of my health history etc and decided that I needed to have a test to see if I am even ovulating. The test checks your progesterone levels and it has to be tested on the 21st day of your cycle, so that’s what I will be doing tomorrow. Fingers Crossed!

(Update-1/13/13- I had my test done yesterday and brought Mark along with me, since we both had Saturaday off. I wanted him there to see how he would handle something as simple as blood work. He cringed when I was getting my blood drawn but other than that he was fine. Now I ill just wait for the results, seems like all I ever do in the process is wait.

On top of my gyno appointment this week, I have been planning my friend(who I referred to earlier) office baby shower. Her husband is my boss so we are throwing them a little baby shower. These are the things I struggle with the most. Even last year when I went to baby showers, even before Mark and I started “trying” I felt a sense of jealously at baby showers. I know that is somewhat normal but I don’t like it. I don’t like that I feel like that. This whole process has been hard enough and then throw in all of your friends getting pregnant and having babies and it just opens up another can of emotions. It’s such a BITTERSWEET feeling when I find out someone else is pregnant or when I am planning things like this. I am SO SO SO happy for my friends and I don’t want any of them to ever thing that I’m not, but I can’t help at the same time to feel a small sting of sadness as well. It is now getting to the point where even if I am grocery shopping and I see someone with kids or pass by the baby aisle in Target, I get ill and I try to shut down those emotions as soon as they happen but sometimes I just cant help it.

I also received my first batch of mail at the new house ( even though we haven’t moved in yet) Since Mark has been working over there everyday he has been checking the mail, and we he called and told me I had two letters addressed to me I was a little confused and thought to myself who I had given our new address to. I opened the first one and it was a save the date for my cousins wedding, the second one looked someone like a wedding invitation so I was very thrown off. I opened it up and it was a baby shower invitation . Again, those STUPID emotions rushed through me and I almost wanted to cry but at the same time I was so excited to go shop for their precious baby girl and celebrate this miracle of life they are about to bring into this world! I think I am just going to have to get use to this bittersweet feeling, I think its going to be hanging around awhile.

Until next time…

KatieSig

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s