I got the title of this post from Kellie Picklers song “Things that never cross a mans mind.” This song always made me laugh and reminded me of Mark and I, I think it may have been written for us! He is such a “man” when it comes to certain things. I am starting to realize that struggling to conceive will probably never affect him as directly as it does me.
It doesn’t surprise me that since I was raised in a “non-emotional” family, I am married to someone who is very cold to emotions as well. I just want to clarify that this doesn’t mean that my family nor my husband is not “emotional”, they just tend to keep things to themselves. My husband is the most thoughtful, sweet, loyal, selfless man I have ever met and I do not give him enough credit. However, I do think that if our journey continues down the path of infertility, we will need to find different ways to cope.
Mark has never like to see me cry, he actually sometimes gets mad when I cry and tells me I am over reacting, which then in turn would upset me more, because sometimes a girl just needs to cry and a shoulder to cry on ya know? I know that he means no harm in this, but I truly think it KILLS him to see me cry, so just like me he acts hard and tries to toughen me up. Right now, Mark and I do not spend a lot of time talking about our inability to conceive so far. He knows that it bothers me, and I feel like it is starting to bother him, but both of us have that same gene in us that makes us try to be the stronger person, I mean someone has to do it right?
Right now I am still in the “hopeful” stage, I am writing this right now with the hopes that I will get pregnant, but I feel like if a year goes by my outlook will totally change. I have told Mark before that if I was not able to have a child, it would completely devastate me. My world would be turned upside down and I’m not sure how I will handle it. I know that each month that passes by, I am going to feel a little less hopeful and things will probably get worse for me, so I am trying to prepare for it. Every time my period comes each month, I feel a sense of embarrassment and die a little more inside. I feel as woman, getting pregnant and carrying children is my JOB and it embarrasses me that I have been unable to do this so far.
My emotions have been on a roller coaster ride, especially today. Today was my friends baby shower at the office, which I was hosting. I think that it was easier for me since I was the one actually planning it and making it happen.Anyone that knows me well knows that I am a OCD planner and love to plan parties, showers,wedding etc, so this was right up my alley and I was more focused on making sure everything was perfect versus thinking about what type of celebration it was. There were a few moments where I started to slip into my little depression and feel sorry for myself, and then I saw how happy my friend and her husband looked and how cute she was pregnant and it made it all go away. I also got asked a few times today by co-workers when I was having a baby and got the occasional “your next!” comments. I know people mean no harm by this but I feel like someone has just stabbed me in the heart when I hear things like this. As a newly wed, you hear it all the time, so you learn how to dodge those type of questions, but now its different…Theres nothing I WANT more in the world right now than a child, so what am I suppose to do? Lie or tell the truth?
Until next time..