I keep telling myself that over and over again. Last night was rough, I barely slept and when I was, I was dreaming about babies. I started to think about all of the women out there who have been told they CANT have children and feel guilty/selfish for how I feel. I know that right now this is just a bump in the road for me but one of my biggest fears is that it will never happen. I wanted a child so bad before I found out this news and it’s almost as if I want it even more now (if that’s even possible) I don’t like that my body is not allowing me to do this, I am such a control freak it drives me insane not having control of my life. Although I know I have never had control of my life, my life plan is in God’s hand, and if something is going to happen, its going to happen on his watch not mine and this is a very blunt reminder of that.
It was icy this morning so the office was on a two-hour delay, and I did NOT want to get up, part of me just wanted to sit there and sulk. But here I am, at work, I’d rather be any place than here right now, but I know I would be worse off if I sat at home.I still have faith, despite what odds are against me.I really dont have a choice, if you dont have faith, then what do you have? Really..what do you have? What is the purpose of your life? I have confided in some close friends who are aware of the situation and it makes me feel better to let it out. I am now debating on when is the right time to tell my family and some other friends.
The nurse called me back this morning and told me that my progesterone levels were 0.7 and they needed to be an at an 8 for ovulation to occur. They are going to start me on a fertility drug called Clomid for this cycle. Of course I have started my reasearch and there is a 80% successful rate for this drug, but you are only allowed to do it for 6 cycles and that makes me nervous. The nurse also told me that stress can be a big factor as to why a woman is not ovulating, so now I am supposed to be calm? psh yeah right, my
middle first name should be stress.
I am thankful to the handful of friends who know what I am going through right now, they are doing whatever they can to keep my head above water and I love them for it. I think I will publish this blog next month either way.
My doctor is supposed to call me back before the day is over, I really want to talk to her, I will whip out my “book” full of questions and probably make her wish she never took me on as a patient, but I need answers.
Until next time..