Well after a completely crappy day, I just received “the call” I had been waiting for but at the same time dreading.I didn’t recognize the number and I definitely was not in the mood to talk to anyone so I hit ignore. I checked the voice mail and it was the Doctor, and my heart sank because I already knew what she was going to say. I don’t know why or how but I did, she started off by saying ” I would like to talk to you about your test results” and then there was a 15 second pause( I think she was trying to figure out how to say it, because she knew it was going to devastate me and I had already started crying because I knew what she was about to say ) and finally she said ” You are not ovulating”. No matter how much I prepared myself to hear those words…they still hit me like a ton of bricks. My whole body started getting cold so I knew my blood pressure was going up and so I just sat down. I immediately tried to call her back but the office was already closed, she called me right at 5PM. So here I am, left hanging….I feel like I have just been told someone died, I think a part of me just died.
There are a million questions running through my head right now, I feel like that little bit of hope I had been clinging on to for dear life just got ripped away from me. I know this isn’t the end of the world, I know there is still a chance, but really? Where do I go from here? This was already starting to consume my life no matter how hard I tried to stop it, so I can only imagine what the future is going to be like. I am scared, scared for myself, scared for my husband…scared for the future. I feel like this is all a bad dream and when I wake up tomorrow I will be okay, but I know tomorrow will be worse for me than today and every other day after that. My life has changed in a instant and I am suppose to just accept this?
I already dread taking my pre-natals tonight( I take them at night so they don’t make me nauseous) I have been taking them what seems like for so long, and every night I take them before I go to bed and every night I wonder if there will ever be a day when I am taking them and I will actually be pregnant. Right now they are just another constant reminder of something I cannot do. Like I said before, something as simple as me walking past the baby isle would make me sad, but I didn’t know then what I know now….so I can only imagine how hard things like this are going to be for me, now that I know I cannot have a child without help. Or will it even work? See I just need to go to sleep, my mind is going to explode.
Until Next time…