I love this. A reminder of why I am keeping up with all of my thoughts and emotions. One day Mark and I will have a bigger story to tell then the one we have written so far. This story will include a child, hopefully more than one and these children will be the center of our world and the struggle will be apart of OUR story.
I did not receive a call back from the Doctor on Friday so I was left hanging all weekend, but I made the best of it (I slept a lot, I think I was emotionally drained). I finally talked to her today and she was telling me all the side effects of Clomid and one of them is TWINS!!! I’m not going to lie, it’s a little nerve-racking but I cannot think of a bigger blessing to not only be able to carry one child, but two!?!? That would just be icing on the cake, although there are a lot of complications that come with carrying twins. So I would be completely satisfied with one, but you know what I mean!
I have felt a little bi-polar this week, one minute I am okay and the next I just want to cry. I think it just because my emotions are running so high. Mark and I have been a little on edge lately, there have been lots of little arguments and lots of frustration, but we are learning how to accept these and cope with this new stresser in our life.
Although I am at the beginning stage of this struggle, there are also lots of little things that keep me going. A few months ago Mark and I found out someone very close to us has cervical cancer, and not only having to battle it, but finding out she will not be able to have children. This makes me feel pathetic when I allow myself to get upset with my situation, it makes mine seem so small compared to hers but at the same time I think a lot of my fear comes from me possibly being told that same news one day. I also keep up with a old friend of mine Kristen who is currently being a surrogate for her cousin who is unable to have children after a horrific medical emergency which almost cost her life and ultimately made her lose her child at 4 months pregnant. These two women are an inspiration and again, it makes me realize that things could be a lot worse for me and there is still HOPE. Although I have never met Kristen’s cousin, I have been following her journey long before Mark and I ever tried to conceive and her strength blows me away. Her story is definitely one to be told and she is doing great things in her life and with the foundation her and husband started and named after their precious son they lost.
I’ve started to wonder which is worse, knowing for a fact you couldn’t have children, or having to go through this process and tests and each time you think one of them could work but ultimately it’s just one let down after another and you find out it just aint gonna happen. I think I would rather know, I know that’s kinda like knowing when and how you are going to die, but I think that’s the OCD planner in me, I want to know so I could just start the grieving process and move on with my life but that just isn’t how it works. So I guess I’ll just have to wait.
I also reached out to some family and friends and made them aware of the situation and it went way better than expected. I feel a little sense of relief now that my parents know but it also makes this situation all the more real the more people I tell and makes me feel more vulnerable. I went to the pharmacy yesterday and picked up the Clomid and I will start taking it next week. I’m know from the first pill I take I am going to be a hott mess and this next month is going to feel like a LIFETIME to me but again I will turn to this little support system I have right now and try to keep positive.
Just wanted to share an e-mail that I received from one of my best friends after she read my blog.
So Last night I couldn’t put my phone down reading your blog. I can’t imagine the devastation, hurt, sadness you feel, but Katie I have faith that God will bless you with a beautiful child. You just have to have patience and Trust in HIM and know this is a just a bump in the road. And you know this already, you said it in your blog. I think all this will you make you a stronger woman and your relationship with God will grow closer/stronger. I know there are many questions running through your head and you asking Why? Why me? But you need to lean NOT on your own understanding but on GOD’s understanding. My heart hurts for you, but at the same time I am very positive and have faith! I started crying the last couple posts because I know how bad you want a child and I felt your sadness. I hope you continue with the Blog. It helps you vent and allows me and all your close friends ride along this journey with you and be there for support. An understanding of what you are going through. I Love You, my dear friend!! I will always be here for you. Just smile 🙂 stay positive love
Until Next time..