higher self

I feel as though I have grown so much in this process already. I already had tough skin, but this is definitely making me tougher and at the same time more humble. I already feel great things coming from this struggle, of course I’d rather not have to be going through this but I am trying to look on the brighter side of things. I have decided that I really want to get involved in fundraising for IUI and IVF even if I am able to conceive.  I want to help as many couples as I can and raise awareness. I think this could be the start of something good!

This week has dragged on and on, I think it’s because I am counting down the days until I can start Clomid. It’s so weird to feel hopeless but at the same time I have a new-found hope since I now know why I wasnt getting pregnant and if the Clomid works, I’m going to have extra help this time around so I feel like I have a better shot at getting pregnant, well at least better than I did before. My emotions are still up and down, I feel as if everyone is getting pregnant and everything around me has to do with babies, every commercial, every Facebook status, every conversation, I mean even our new neighbors are excepting, what are the freakin chances?!?! It’s almost comical. I seriously get asked everyday at work when I am going to have a baby, and none of my co-workers know anything about my situation much less that I even want children. Can a girl get a break!?

However, there is ONE baby who I love to see and she reminds me of what I am fighting for. One of my good friend Renee and her husband welcomed their first child in September and Mark and I went to their house last night for  long overdue visit. I was surprised that I didn’t feel sad, I was actually really excited to go visit with them. I think it was very therapeutic for me and I am so grateful for this sweet baby girl. She is growing up so fast and is beautiful just like her mama!!

 Meet Miss. Lexia Branem.lexia

Lexia and I when she was only a day old!

me and lex

I also need to get back to working out. I really need to find away to escape my stress although I don’t feel like it’s really that bad, I was WAY more stressed when I was planning my wedding than I am now, I’m not saying I’m not stressed about this but I think I am more emotional than anything. Everyone keeps telling me to relax, but I think my husband is the only person who truly understand me and my OCD personality. I think I was born stressed. Trust me, if I could just kick back and let things be, I WOULD. I just don’t know how, and nothing I try works. Actually, I’ll be honest with you, the only thing that slighty relaxes me is a glass of wine and watching my TV shows but I can’t resort to wine every night.(dang it!) I definitely think too much, my brain never stops and I constantly plan every second of my life. Its a blessing and a curse, and its something I really need to figure out and learn how to manage because I know that I only make it harder on myself and someday if I ever do have children that’s going to have to change!

Mark and I are going to another Home and Garden show this weekend and probably just working on the house and slowly but surely moving things from the apartment to the house, I’ll be glad when we finally get to stay in the house for the first time and call it “home.”

Until Next Time..



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