Break Down

EVERY THING

This is my favorite quote/picture I have found so far that describes exactly how I feel.

This is only getting harder with each day that passes and I feel as though I am becoming an emotional wreck all though most of you who see me on a regular basis wouldn’t be able to tell. I try to hold it together the best I can, at least for the  people around me, but when I am by myself or I get lost in my thoughts, I break down. I am broken breaking.

I feel like every second, every hour of everyday I am consumed with this.  I just can’t seem to shake it. I feel like I am being robbed of days/time I cannot get back. I don’t like being sad, mad, frustrated etc, I just want to be happy. This life is far too short to be anything but happy, but I can’t help it.

My period has yet to come, which basically means I didn’t have one this month and that has never happened before. It is allowing my mind to wander too much and I keep wanting to take a pregnancy test but the doctor told me to wait until next Thursday if it still had not come.  What IF they were wrong? But HOW could they be?? Your blood doesn’t lie? I just can’t believe that it hasn’t come, last week dragged on because I was counting down the days until I was “supposed” to start and now here I am, another week and still waiting.  The doctor also said that if I didn’t get it by next Thursday, they would put me on some kind of medicine that would “induce” it. So now I feel like even more of a failure, I havent been able to conceive a child and as of right now I can’t even have a period. Another humbling reminder that things can get worse. I just hope and pray things start to turn around for me. I need some kind of sign, a sign that I am not fighting a worthless battle.

I get so upset wondering if I am ever going to be able to experience the joy that mothers feel. From the positive pregnancy test, to telling your parents they are going to be grandparents, putting together a nursery, baby showers, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, seeing your child for the first time? I can not fathom not being able to experience these moments, and not only me but my husband. He deserve to experience these moments in his life just as much as I do and it scares the shit out of me to think that I may not be able to give him this.

So with all of that being said, I will continue to wait…wait for that sign and hope that there is beauty in the break down.

Until Next Time…

katiesig11

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