I am not a huge fan of the waiting game. I’ve never been good at it either, but these past months have really tested my limits and made me realize how much patience I lack. I feel as though this is different though, maybe not for everyone but for me this is going to be one of the biggest changes in my life and by far the happiest. I’ve always had to wait for things my entire life, nothing was handed to me so it’s not that I expected this to be any different. I guess I just felt once I got pregnant everything would be okay, but it’s actually really scary. I know that this is just part of the process and everyone goes through it, but I feel like those months of trying and being unsuccessful, as well as the progesterone test that insisted I did not ovulate has really messed me up. I just feel like a huge skeptic and I feel like if anything bad is going to happen, it’s going to be to me. I know this is a horrible way to think but I can’t help it!
From the crazy emotional rollercoaster month of January, to finding out I was in fact pregnant to the first OBGYN appointment that left me worried and confused, I’m mentally exhausted. I know that my blood work showed everything was okay, but the three weeks between the lab to the first ultrasound is almost more than I can handle. I also know these first few weeks of pregnancy are crucial ones and a lot of things can go wrong and that freaks me out.
I found out I will be having a vaginal ultrasound on February 26th and I decided to research it and see what I was in for. I unfortunately made the mistake of going to you tube and finding videos where couples had taped their first ultrasounds, some were good and very heart warming and then I came across some that showed the couple finding out they had a eptoic pregnany around 7-8 weeks. OH MY GOD. These videos scarred me, for good. I can not imagine waiting for this many weeks to finally go and hear your baby’s heart beat and finding out that there was something wrong. If I could take an anxiety pill I would right now, maybe even a tranquilizer because my thoughts/worries are out of this world. I felt uneasy all day yesterday, I just had this bad feeling, I even called the doctor’s office on the way home just to talk to a nurse and have her assure me that she thought everything was okay. I think the staff knows me by heart now, and I know they think I’m crazy.
I wonder if all newly expecting moms go through this? Or am I just extreme? I would go have blood work done everyday just to confirm that my levels were progressing as they should, I don’t care how much it would cost. At this point a peace of mine is priceless to me. Am I crazy? possibly, and I have a longggg road ahead of me. I know that there is always that “worry” factor in any pregnancy, something can go wrong at any point but your chances significantly decrease the further along you are so I guess that’s why I am feeling so vulnerable right now. I just been exposed to too many horror stories about this kind of stuff.
Everything just happened so fast, and here I am being told I’m pregnant and having all these tests done and that they aren’t going to be able to comfirm how far along I am until the ultrasound. Then I am just supposed to continue on with my life like everything is the same? I think these first few months are going to be hard, especially if I don’t experience any pregnancy symptoms. The only thing I have noticed is that I am hungry ALL the time, even if I eat I am still hungry. I’m tired, but not to the extreme and I’ve had some cramping here and there but other than that everything else has been normal. I guess it’s weird to me that I am feeling ‘normal” when all these changes are supposed to be going on in my body. Maybe when I am able to start telling more people it will feel more “real” to me.
The days are dragging on and 3 weeks has never seemed so far away. As worried as I am, I am still happy. I am overwhelmed with happiness I just hope and pray that this little bean inside of me is doing okay, because he/she is already everything to me and I dont know what I would do if I lost it.
Until Next Time..