This waiting game has been agonising for me. I find myself going to work and worrying all day long and coming home and just wanting to crawl into bed so the day will end sooner.
There is nothing more important to me right now then this bean inside of me. I cheer him/her on everyday and just pray for miracle.
I have been having come cramping and confided in a few pregnant friends of mine and all of them thought it sounded normal but told me I should call the doctors to let them know. I have been holding off calling them because I don’t want to be a nuisance. I keep telling myself I am over-reacting but one of the girls said something that really hit me. She told me the best thing I could do would be to call and make sure the doctors knew what was going on, because if I ignored it and something happened I would forever blame myself and that is most definitely the truth. So, I called and they wanted me to come in to check me out.
Mark was able to come with me for this appointment and as usual I was sweating bullets and my blood pressure was high. I was able to see the Doctor I have always wanted to see and she sat down and talked with me and did a pelvic exam and said everything seemed normal. She then said that she could probably squeeze me in to have an ultrasound done that day to give me a peace of mind. I was so excited and thought maybe it would be the day I would see my little bean.
The ultrasound did anything but give me a peace of mind. They weren’t able to see anything but the gestational sac, no baby. I just wanted to cry.
I know that this could be because I am not far along enough to see the baby yet, but she decided to cancel my ultrasound for the 26th and move it to next week the 21st. She told me that again, it was just to early to say but by my next ultrasound she should be able to see SOMETHING. Whether it’s a yolk sac or a fetal pole, she needed to see something. I then asked her what would happen if they did not see anything and she said “then I am going to be concerned”. I felt like my heart was going to stop and just wanted to break down but I knew I had to go back to work. I was so glad to have Mark there with me but the overwhelming sense of helplessness I felt was unreal. I know this is not in my hands, but I cannot stand not knowing the unknown. I think this is one of my biggest flaws. I will challenge anything and everything for my peace of mind.
I went back to work for a few hours and just kept trying to hold back tears, I didn’t want anyone in the office know what was going on. I eventually decided to leave and go home. I went straight for my bed and went to sleep. Sleep is the only thing that allows me to escape from this constant worry hanging over my head.
I keep wondering how I will react if I find out I had a miscarriage. To come this far, and be able to experience all of this only to have it ripped right out of my hands is a VERY scary thought. I feel for any woman who has experienced this as well as infertility. These women are STRONG and deserve so much credit. Me on the other hand, not sure I could take it. I know that I am a very strong woman, but this could be the very thing that could break me, every last piece of me. So, here’s to another long dreadful weekend and work week and I will be counting the
minutes seconds until I will hopefully see a sign of this little bean of mine.
Oh, and Happy Valentines day to a wonderful husband! ❤
Until Next Time..