Heartbroken…

I actually wrote this post on Thursday, February 21st but did not post it until today.

Today has by far been the worst day of my life. I am sitting here right this with tears streaming down my face and I am over taken with sorrow. We found out that I miscarried today at 8.5 weeks. My world has been turned upside down and I cant help but be angry. I think back on these last weeks and all the ups and down that I experienced and I honestly never thought this would happen to me.

We went in for our 2nd ultra sound this morning and before the tech started the ultra sound I asked her if I would be seeing the doctor afterwards and she said no. I guess that’s because she didn’t realize what she was about to see. She finished the ultra sound and did not say a word except for me to get dressed and she wanted us to talk to a doctor. I started to cry immediately but to be honest with you, I still was not thinking I was about to find out I had a miscarriage. We sat in a waiting room for about 20 minutes and I just sat there and sobbed. I thought I would be taken into an exam room but instead the nurse took us to one of the doctor’s office. We walked in and he shook our hands and said “I am sorry to be meeting you due to these unfortunate circumstances” My heart dropped and I did EVERYTHING I could to continue holding back the tears. He then proceeded to tell us that it looked like I miscarried in the last week and that I would need to have a DNC done TOMORROW.

I cannot help but ask myself WHY? WHY ME?  It was extremely hard for me to hold back the tears, but I wanted to keep it together until I at left the office.  It’s crazy how your life can change in an instant. Now I am faced with the choice of proceeding with the DNC or letting it happen naturally. The doctor advised me that since I was 8.5 weeks that I needed to have it done surgically since there is a chance I could hemorrhage and be in severe pain. As if finding out you lost your unborn child isn’t enough, now you are having to make this decision. Everything you thought you had is taken away from you in the blink of an eye.

I am struggling with what to do because there has always been confusion of how far along I really was. I thought I was only 6 weeks which would then make the outcome of the ultrasound different but the doctors just go by your last menstrual cycle. I have done a lot of reasearch over the past few weeks and have come across some forums where plenty of women went through this same thing, but choose to wait to have another ultrasound only to find out there was indeed a viable pregnancy. If they would have listened to their doctor they would have basically aborted their child and this is really scaring me. I don’t know what is best. If I knew for sure that I miscarried I would like to go ahead and get the procedure over with, but what if I wasnt? There are too many stories of women being rushed into the procedure and then regretting it for the rest of their life. No one can prepare you for this kind of thing and I have now joined the group of millions of women who have lost their unborn child. It happens more than you think.

Right now I just feel hopeless, worthless and a failure. I have never experienced this kind of grief before and to know that there is a chance I will have to wait another 3 months before we could possibly conceive again. This breaks my heart. I feel like all I have done is wait.

Needless to say I wont be going back to work this week and will possibly update this weekend after Mark and I make the decision on what we need to do. So please keep up in your prayers during this difficult time.

Until Next Time..

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