1 Week.

strength

Today, it has been 1 week since we found out the news that has changed our lives forever.  Last night, I experienced severe cramping and it was the worst pain I had since the surgery.  I had already planned on going back to work today, so I’ve just been doing my best to ignore the pain and continue through my work day. I also have tried to remain very distant from everyone, because there are only a select few in my office who know what happened and I want to keep it that way. But Of course everyone else wanted to know where I was for the last week so I have been having to tell little white lies here and there, and it really sucks. I feel like some of them know that I am lying, so it’s been pretty awkward for me but I’m trying to put on my best fake front so I can at least get through these next few weeks. I know that with time, I will be back to my normal chipper self, but right now its not easy faking it.

 Today, is also the first day I have felt a sense of guilt. I know that this should not be a common emotion for women suffering miscarriages but sadly it is. I have started to wonder if I would have been more proactive and listened to my body or pushed my doctors a little further, would it have changed the outcome of this situation. I know the answer is probably not, but I just cant help but think “what if?”  or what could I have done differently? I also keep going back to those few hours after the news was broken to us, I was in such a dark place. I suddenly felt like there was no hope, or no purpose for me to be here. It was really scary to feel that, and I just feel for all the women out there who keep this kind of thing to themselves for whatever reason, and it makes me sad. Everyone needs some sort of outlet, some kind of hope.

 I got news on Monday that a couple who is close to Mark and I could possibly have their baby this week. It’s crazy how this world works, someone is getting ready to bring a child into this world while I just lost mine. It crazy how this could be the happiest week of their lives, and the worst week of ours. But that is life  and as much as we may try, we will never understand it. I am learning that life is not meant to be understood or to be figured out, at least by us anyways.

One of my friends asked me the other day how I will handle myself if I am so lucky to get pregnant again. She is someone who has every right to ask me this, because she is someone who saw every high, every low, every emotion I went through during this first pregnancy of mine.  I actually hadn’t even thought about this yet. You would probably assume I would be even more crazy/nervous the second time around, especially because of what happened, but I actually think I will be different. The worst thing I ever thought could happen to me, did.  I really have nowhere to look but up.

Here’s to us surviving the first week, onto the next…

Until Next Time…

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