Okay…I feel like I have some explaining to do…Ever since I posted something about saying that after infertility AND suffering a miscarriage, every successful pregnancy is taken personally and after posting Kristen’s blog about and her talking about how and what to say to someone like me. Also, I have had a few people message me and tell me they don’t want to post updates on Facebook about their pregnancies because they don’t want to hurt my feelings….I feel like I need to go more into specifics about this because some of you may have taken this the wrong way or feel like you can’t come to me with your exciting news.
The emotional challenges of infertility/pregnancy loss increase whenever your support network feels shaky. And, for many of us, either because we have been cautious about sharing news of our infertility, or because our network is fairly small to begin with, the news of a close friend’s pregnancy or birth of their baby can feel like an especially damaging lightening bolt. It may reverberate through your network, causing everyone to wonder how you’re “handling it.” It pushes your own buttons about how you can continue to be a good friend as you are aware of your own jealousy and envy.
This is one of the things that I struggle with the most, finding out one of my friends is pregnant is such a happy moment for me but also a very dark moment for me. Feeling extreme excitement, and extreme sadness is very weird and confusing which is why I think some people don’t understand. This also goes for people announcing their pregnancies on Facebook, or taking pictures of their baby bumps etc. I experience the same emotions, happy and sad. In all honesty, seeing a pregnant woman whether its a friend or a stranger serve as reminders and triggers, when I need distractions but I am learning to cope with this.
I think I can speak on behalf of anyone who has experienced infertility or a miscarriage etc, this is one of the hardest things we have to deal with. It’s not only hard for ourselves, but for our friends. We dont not want to feel sad or be jealous, but we are human beings and it is completely normal and there is really nothing we can do about it except own it. When Mark and I first started even talking about having children, I found myself very jealous at baby showers, or when I saw someone announcing it on Facebook, so of course when we tried and tried to conceive and it never happen, it was even harder for me. Now that I have lost my child, I am sure these emotions will be even more intense, but It’s a normal, natural, negative thought. It’s the pain and grief speaking and if we are going to be friends ,you and I have to embrace, understand and accept these thoughts and emotions.
I have realized that just being upfront and honest with my friends who are currently trying to conceive, who are already pregnant, or already have children is the best thing. I want everyone to understand that you conceiving a child is a miracle and should not be “hidden”, or down played because of the tragedy that has happen in my life, otherwise it’s another burden I feel. I don’t want to feel like people have to tip-toe around me, or are nervous for me to come see their baby because they don’t know how to act or what to say. Just keep in mind that one day I want to be in your position and I wouldn’t want anyone to take away from my miracle, so it’s the last thing I want to do with yours. I cherish all of my friendships, this is one of the many reasons I decided to go public with this blog, so I can say what I feel and hope that my friends will understand it and at the same time be sensitive and aware of not only my feelings but anyone who is going through the same struggle I am. It’s a very sticky situation and you just have to take it day by day and do the best you can.
Example: One of my friends is currently planning on having another child, she has been there for me since I started trying to conceive and I have been very open with her. She knows that when she does get pregnant, she will come to me and I will be happy for her, but on the flip side, she also knows the emotions I will be experiencing and she will respect them and do her best to be sensitive without holding back. Kristen was very on point when she said this kind of thing can drive a serious wedge between friendships, so it needs to be talked about and handled with care.
With all of that being said, I hope this will give you all a better understanding where I stand when it comes to dealing with a friend getting pregnant or seeing everyone else’s happy news. It’s not easy, but women going through this do not need to be isolated, they need support and most of all love.
Until Next Time…