I’m still trying to adjust to not knowing what kind of day I will have when I wake up. As much as I try to make everyday a good day because I am healthy, I am married to my soul mate, I have amazing friends, wonderful family and I am more blessed than I deserve, sometimes I can’t shake the grief that follows me around like a dark cloud. Some of my days start out good, and then there is always something that triggers me and the only thing I look forward to the rest of the day is going to sleep. This is all so foreign to me, I was always such a happy person before this and I cant say the same now.
I watched “Katie” the other day(Katie Couric’s new talk show) and it was about the Sandy Hook shooting and some of the guest were parents of the children who died that day. I found myself understanding and relating to their grief and thinking to my self, “That is exactly how I feel.” I then realized that I actually have something in common with all of these parents. At first, I thought what they are going through is worse than what I am, but as I started to think about it, even though the situations are different, it is still the same kind of grief. Grief comes in many shape and forms and but when it comes down to it, we are all grieving the loss of a child. I am grieving the loss of a child that I prayed and longed for, a child I was never promised, who I never got to meet, and they are grieving for their children whose short lives were tragically taken far too soon, but in the end, it’s all the same.
Everyone says that time heals everything. I agree and disagree. I think that over the months or years, you learn ways to cope with your grief, but it never heals, its NEVER going to go away. Now that it has been a little over two weeks since I found out the news and had the surgery, reality is finally starting to set in. All of my pregnancy symptoms are gone and it is now setting in that I am no longer pregnant and I am literally back at square one. I fought a long battle and have nothing to show for it. As if this isn’t hard enough, as I have said before I am surrounded with people being blessed with babies, and it just makes it harder on me because I need this time to deal with and face my grief, yet I am very hard on myself because I try to make the grief subside so I can be happy for everyone else, its such a tricky situation.
The happy days are the days I accept it what has happened and the sad days are the days I question why? Why did I have to go through all of those emotional months to conceive? Why was I told I could not conceive with out fertility medicine? Why did I end up able to conceive only to have it taken away from me? Why me? These are all the “why” questions that run through my head daily. I found this quote that helps me get through the “why” days. (See Below)
I also came across a very popular quote that many of you may have heard before “It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.” I applied this to the Sandy Hook parents or any parent who has lost a child vs. myself. They were able have many wonderful happy years with their children as well as to get to know them and love them. I never even got the chance to show my love to him/ her. I never got to see them, feel them, kiss them and this is where a lot of my grief comes from. When I think about this, it literally makes it hard for me to breathe.
My hope is that as these days, weeks and years that pass get easier and I learn better ways to cope. I want to wake up to sunny days again.
Until Next Time…