I have found myself holding back and not writing when I get the urge. I have been doing this because I don’t want every post I write to be sad or negative, but at the same time I need to remember why I am doing this. I am keeping this blog for myself, friends and family and also for people who may follow along because they are curious, but I also writing this blog to create awareness. Some of you may be nowhere near a point in your life where you will be having children anytime soon, along with your friends, or maybe you are considering it, no matter where someone is in their life, this blog can still inspire and educate. This healing process is a long one, it’s not something I can just snap my fingers and get over it (I wish!) There are many stages of healing and grief and I feel that you have to go through each one to truly understand the meaning and accept what has happened in your life. I truly appreciate everyone who continues to follow along with us on this journey.
We may not be close, therefore my struggle doesn’t really directly affect you, but you never know what may happen in your life , this can happen to you, your spouse, your best friend, your sibling, a cousin, a co-worker etc. My hope for this blog is it may give someone that”Ah Ha” moment and maybe it will help someone cope with their own tragedy, or maybe help someone understand what a friend is going through. Infertility and pregnancy loss are two things I hope will no longer be something we(those who have experienced it) feel the need to go through alone, or something that is not freely talked about, just because you( spouses, friends, family, supporters) might not know what to say.
I also cannot pretend that I am happy and positive all the time. I have my moments of clarity but a lot of the time I am down and I hope that you all will understand that. I try to write whenever I can’t shake a feeling or a thought, sometimes its a positive one and sometimes it’s not. I don’t want my blog to get repetitive, I know everyone knows I am heartbroken and I am trying to pull myself out of this hole but it’s not easy and I don’t want to sugar coat anything. Writing makes me feel better, it makes me feel like my thoughts are being heard and possibly helping someone else and that is what is most therapeutic for me.
With all of that being said, this week has made me want to deactivate my Facebook. I never thought I would be one to do this, but I am now starting to see pictures of people posting their baby bumps and they are as far along as I would have been. I thought by this point I would be able to see this( I knew I would have to deal with it) and not breakdown but as much as I try, it just hurts so much and I can’t get that lump out of my throat. I try not to allow myself to keep count of the weeks. Every time I sign on , my news feed is full of baby announcements, newborn portraits, gender reveals etc. I can somewhat handle these now, it’s just the ones who are as far along as I would have been. It burns, more than you can imagine. I feel like the hurt keeps calling me. It’s like I am in some kind of game of Lost and Found. One day, I’m coping and living my life to the best of my abilities and the next I am flat on the floor. It’s a constant Merry Go Round and I’m ready to get the heck off. I am in the process of accepting that I am going to learn how to live with this, after all I am not the same person I was a few months ago, my life has forever changed and “normal” will never be the same for Mark and I.
Until Next Time…