It’s Ok To Not Be Ok…

I realized today when I was going in for my doctor’s appointment that I am starting to be recognized at my OBGYN…the staff now knows me by name and they all awkwardly ask how I am doing each time I come in( although I know they know exactly why I am there). As if going to the lady doctor as much as I do isn’t bad enough, when I walk in its a bunch of pregnant women staring and I feel like they are all looking at my stomach to see if there is a bump. I think we all do that at the lady doctor anyways, but it makes me very uncomfortable. As I sit in the waiting room, I feel like I am being suffocated and baby bumps are all I see.  I feel left out. They should have separate waiting rooms for people going through infertility. I know we like to be treated the same as everyone else, but this is one thing that could make it easier on us, well for me anyways.  I still have a lot of negative feelings when I am walking back to the exam room or lab. I cringe when I walk past the ultrasound room.  All of those negative, overwhelming raw emotions rush through me and I remember that day like it was yesterday, the saddest, darkest day of my life. I never leave that office feeling good. I actually leave feeling horrible and I just want to go home and drown my sorrows with a bottle of wine.

This weekend, Mark and I went to Savannah, GA to attend our friends wedding. I decided to get my hair done before the wedding and if only I had known then what I know now.  We walked into what was supposed to be this upscale hair salon and  this women who looked like she had been smoking and hugging trees all of her life told me she would be doing my hair. I usually don’t judge a book by its cover but I couldn’t help it.  I also couldn’t ignore the girl who was currently sitting in her chair getting her hair done for a wedding and it looked like complete crap and she look pissed. I should have ran right then and there, but I remained calm and decided to give this lady a chance.  WELL, lets just say I am not sure how this women has a job doing hair because she had no idea what she was doing. I was already upset because I knew I was going to spend $80 for nothing. To make matters worse this women would not shut up and kept asking me about kids. Of course the conversation started off with “Do you have children?” (by the way, why is this always the first thing anyone ever asks me!!?) and of course I completely tighten up and tell her no.  She then asks me if I want children, I tell her yes. I thought the conversation was done, until about 15 minutes later she says “So when are you and your husband planning on having children?” I lost it and just blurted it out. Right there in the hair salon for everyone to hear. “We actually just lost our baby a few months ago.”  After I said it I thought to myself..that ought to shut her up and indeed it did. The point of this story is that I am so tired of being asked the same questions. I know they are great conversation starters, and not everyone can possibly know what I am going through but sometimes people just dont know when to stop. I wish I could get through ONE day without a co-worker or a stranger asking me when I am going to have a child. Not only it is down right annoying, but it makes me feel ashamed.
It’s hard enough to not allow something like this to consume your life, but unfortunately we cant control what people say or the situations we are put in on a daily basis.  Everyday is a challenge, but some are harder than others and today was one of those hard days.  Sometimes I feel as though I should just delete my Facebook and Instagram. I love keeping up with all of my friends but some days the baby pictures and pregnancy announcements are too much to bare. Of course no one wants to admit that but that’s why I made the decision to go through this journey publicly, to be the truth and a voice for the infertile. I am not here to sugarcoat things so forgive me if I ever come off a little bitchy, but somedays  everyday…infertility is a bitch. Most of us struggling through infertility wake up every day and put a mask on that can fool the world, but we cant fool ourselves and need to remember that sometimes…….
Until Next Time…

3 thoughts on “It’s Ok To Not Be Ok…

  1. i couldnt have said it better myself. keep your head up! we will get through this and have stories of our beautiful children to share with questioning strangers one day soon!

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