Infertility has caused both the worst stagnation and the greatest movement in my life. It has changed almost every aspect in my life. Some of these changes good, and some bad. It puts an incredible strain on our relationships, marriages, self-esteem, financial state and our physiological well-being. I figured that I should blog about how infertility and depression go hand in hand. It’s a huge epidemic in the infertility community and most people don’t realize the signs of depression until depression has already hit.
Most of us who have grappled with infertility will readily admit to hours of sadness, days of feeling rotten and even periods of being emotionally overwhelmed. We may believe that those feelings go with the territory of infertility. But what if the time comes when we feel so unlike our “old self” that we begin to question whether the blue cloud hanging over us is here to stay?
Given the built-in stress infertility, some sadness is inevitable. Our dreams of parenthood have been up-ended and deferred. Some of us may be on hormones that affect our mood. We now have an unanticipated lurch in our relationship with our partner that makes us both walk on eggshells, first trying to comfort and next suppressing our painful emotions. Many of us find our sad feelings are episodic, perhaps relating to our menstrual cycle, to hormone treatments, to test outcomes or to toxic situations such as baby showers or announcements of a friend’s pregnancy.. So on the continuum of sadness, situational sadness is the least serious, and profound depression is the most serious. It is very important to be educated on these symptons and pay attention to your body. Some of us blame it on all the hormones and meds that are being pumped into our bodies, but no one is safe from depression. Please dont hesitate to seek help if you think you could possibly be suffering from depression.
As for myself, I continue to try to keep strong. None of this never gets any easier, you only get stronger but at some point you have to break and I constantly wonder when that will be for me. Each month I know that I have a new shot, another chance at hopefully getting pregnant, but I also know that disappointment is constantly lurking around every corner. The fact that I was able to get pregnant on my own also had me a little head strong when beginning these fertility treatments. I thought for sure that I would get pregnant right away and that is what kept me the most positive. I never though that I would be sitting here with a couple of failed fertility cycles under my belt. I thought I was a little different from the infertile women who have never been able to conceive, I was told by countless doctors and nurses that me getting pregnant on my own was great news. I disagree completely. I am no better off now then I was then. The fact that I got pregnant and lost this miracle baby actually makes this process a lot harder on me and I will never understand why that had to happen to us.
With each new month and cycle, I try to be stronger than my fears and worries. Everyone tells you to just remain positive and be patient, and trust in God but each failed attempt makes the light at the end of the tunnel seem further and further away. It is very easy to lose your faith after so many let downs. I have a huge hole in my heart, and huge piece of my life is missing and it scares me to think it may never be filled.
I am trying to learn ways to cope with this constant sadness following me around. It is constantly robbing me of laughter and stealing days and moments of my life that I can never get back.
I have also decided that is time for me to take control of my own body and not let the doctors dictate my every move anymore. I have a doctor’s appointment today with my OBGYN to discuss with her what I would like to do. Mark and I will both go through further testing and will be referred to CMC’s Women’s Institute( same thing as REACH, my benefits are way better here since I work for the company) I hope and pray that this institute will be our answer and can give us this tiny miracle that our hearts desire.
Until Next Time…