Control and Patience: I have to much of a need for one, and not enough of the other. These are also two of my biggest flaws and they are playing a huge role in this struggle. I have always had a constant need to control every aspect of not only my own life, but of others as well. I’m not sure why I am like this, but it’s not a very flattering trait. Yes, being a bit of a control freak has its perks, I get things done and I get them done right, but on the flip side of that is constant misery feeling like a failure if something doesn’t go the way I planned. Most of my good friends know that I typically plan everything and if you changed my plans(especially last-minute) I have a melt down.( I planned my own engagement for Pete’s sake and didn’t even know it!!) Luckily, my friends and husband realize this is something I cannot help. I plan every second of everyday and God forbid if the day doesn’t turn out how it was supposed to.
Patience I have none.zip.zero. When I want something, I want it now and will stop at nothing to get it. In the process of trying to get what I want, it will consume every ounce of my life. I will focus on nothing else but what I want and how I am going to get it.
I’m sure you all get where I am going with this. infertility has been the biggest road block in my life. I feel like I have been going and going and accomplishing everything my little heart desired and then I just ran straight into a wall and never even saw it coming.Trying so long for a child, getting pregnant with our miracle, losing it, and struggling to conceive again is testing every bit of my control and patience. It is suffocating me and leaving me gasping for air. I feel as though I am running , have no idea where I am going or if I am ever going to get there. I just know I have to keep running, there is no stopping. It is exhausting and I do know how much further I can make it.
This struggle has made my need for control turn into a rage. I have battled with this from the very first month we tried to get pregnant and it didn’t happen. It has made me spiral out of control and I am brutally reminded each month that I am not in control here. I have no say so in this whatever and it leaves me feeling absolutely helpless.
A few of our friendships have been tested during this process and I can feel some of them starting to slip. As much as I want to fix them, I’m not sure that I can. I cannot make people understand this process or know what this is like. I cannot make people not say certain things to us, understand our feelings/actions or have sympathy for us. I can’t control that or try to hide my emotions or pretend like nothing is wrong. Our true friends TRY to understand what we are going through and realize that we may not be ourselves during this time but that’s okay and continue to remain a helping hand. I have actually had patience with a few friends and tried to put myself in their shoes and not hold it against them. It’s not their fault that we are having to go through this, and I truly believe that someone has to go through infertility or losing a child to truly understand this pain. But even though they may not know exactly what we are going through, they can still be engaged with us and just be an open ear or a hand to hold. I have found that some of our friends are just ignorant whether it is intentional or not and these are the friendships that I have to be okay with letting go of.
Most days I am so caught up in this storm that I forget to appreciate everything I already have. I try to remind myself everyday that I am lucky and despite how painful this journey is for me. I do know one thing for certain…. Mark and I are so blessed. I am still thankful for each and every day and even though its hard to see clearly through this fog, I am forever grateful for everything and everyone in my life.
Quit dwelling on what’s wrong. Quit seeing the faults. Instead, start seeing the good. Be grateful for what you have. Appreciate the gift of today-Joel Osteen.
Until Next Time…