Twenty Five

As I look back on this last year a lot has happened. I just turned 25 and I know I am young( I get really tired of people belittling my situation because I have “time”) but I had always planned on my life being a certain way by the time I was 25. I knew at a very young age that I wanted to be a “younger” mom and I had created this timeline for my life.(Remember I am a OCD planner) By the time I was 25 I wanted to be married, have a house and at least have my first child. So now that I have finally turned “that” age, I have been looking back on my life and on my marriage this past year and realized that I have been through/overcome a lot. My timeline was panning out exactly the way I had planned it for all of those years and none of this was by force, but by fate. I have been able to accomplish all of my dreams so far until this last year. I never thought at my age I would be dealing with infertility.

I have had nothing handed to me and worked hard for everything that I have, so obviously I dont mind having to work hard for something I want. No one could prepare me for how hard I was doing to have to work for this dream. When I say work hard, I am not talking about physical labor or long hours at the office, I am talking about working hard on myself. I have had to learn how to deal with my impatient OCD self and it has not been easy. How do you change who you are? I keep asking myself that, but I have realized I am still the same person, I have just had to learn how to handle/cope with some of my flaws differently.

The best infertility advice I have heard so far was from Tomiko Fraser Hines on the Katie Couric show on Infertility. She struggled for 6 years and now has two twin boys. Her advice was ” Be okay with your dreams being altered”. A light bulb when off in my head when she said this and I instantly realized this is one of the biggest things I struggle with alongside my burning desire for a child. When something does not go the way I planned, I tend to feel lost and like my life is spiraling out of control. I try to live by her advice everyday, repeating it over and over again in my head.

As for my marriage, it is something that I am very proud of. Most people say that the first year is the hardest but not for me. My circumstances have been hard, but my marriage is what has kept me on solid ground through this entire journey. Mark and I had a pretty stressful time planning our wedding and some of the things we went through probably would have broken some couples but it made us stronger. In our first year of marriage, we have bought a car, a house(probably one of the biggest stresser in a marriage) struggled with infertility, got pregnant, lost a child and now we are back to square one on our infertility journey. The amount of stress infertility can put on a relationship not just emotionally, but financially  is absurd . I now understand why some couples just simply do not make it. I am a totally different person from this experience , but Mark accepts it and accepts me for who I am. Luckily for us infertility has only made our relationship more solid than it already was before and I am pretty sure that  one day we are going to be some DAMN good parents.

A little update on what is going on with our journey right now. We have been on Clomid for the max amount of time my OBGYN suggested with no success. We just had our first appointment with a Reproductive Endocronoligst last week and things went very well. We now have a plan and a time frame for our next step and having this “plan” has really helped me relax. I need certain goals to focus on and being on Clomid was just a free-for-all and I am glad to be taking the next step. I feel very  optimistic about my doctor and he has no patience just like me, so hopefully this well help speed up the process for our first treatment. I am very excited, nervous and anxious and hope that this doctor can finally  make ours dreams come true!

Until Next Time…

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