October- A Sad And Exciting Month

What a bitter sweet month this will be for me. Although I have never been so happy in my life as I am in this very moment….I feel like I need to take a moment and just remember our little bean that we were supposed to be meeting this month. It’s hard to believe that I would be full term and getting ready to have a baby any day now. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if bean was a boy or girl and what he or she would look like. The pain is very much still there and I think about “what if” every single day. I just rest assured that God had another plan for our little bean and I’m sure that plan is much better than anything plan I could have had for that sweet baby.

These last few months have been a whirlwind and its crazy as I sit here and write this post, I am overly emotional and feeling this new life inside of me kick and move around. It’s truly crazy how life works, and at any moment you think you have control over anything in your life, you better think again. It is ALL in his hands. Everything happens for a reason and I am a firm believer of that. The experience of miscarrying a baby has been incredibly painful, intense and awe-inspiring journey. I have been so touched by all the stories and experiences shared with me about baby loss after I started this blog. This has been a life altering experience to say the least.

Here are some lessons learned from having a miscarriage

1)      Life is a miracle

It is so amazing how little babies come to be in this world. It is such a intricate complicated process to create and sustain a life-and it’s crazy how trusting we must be since so much is out of our control.

2)      We should value the time we have, because more time is not guaranteed

            Losing a baby has been a true lesson for me to remember how fast life can be altered- or lost-without any warning, at any time. Life is so easily taken for granted and my little bean reminded me how important it is to be thankful for the time we do have.

3) Mixed up emotions are normal.

The feelings that come after a miscarriage and seeing other pregnancies and birth news caught me off guard.  I have learned that that you can feel many things at once, and that accepting the validity of each emotion (even if they seem to contradict each other) can help you work through them and move forward.

3)      Time does heal…but the sadness may never go away.

I feel much better now than I did 8 months ago. I have been blessed with my own new life as well as the one I am currently carrying, but this does not mean that the sadness has gone away.  I have realized that grief in itself is an emotion that can last for years, for decades, and there is nothing wrong with that.

7) Planning cannot guard you from unpredictable events

This may have been the biggest lesson for me. As you all know from my previous posts, I am a huge planner and control freak.  I have now learned that I can plan as much as I want but to save myself from disappointment, I need to open my heart to whatever may come.

8) No matter how hard you search for reasons, there is uncertainty and mystery in life.

I cannot convince myself to be “satisfied” with the good reasons for what happened. I know that the baby was probably physically unable to sustain life, but those reasons only address the logical part of my being and do not give me comfort. Instead, I have had to try to find ways to move forward.

9) We can always grow from experiences.

Each moment we have is an opportunity to make a better life and to make this world better place. It may take a while to put it all in perspective after experiencing loss, but challenges can help us grow if we allow them to. This has been a life-altering experience for me, and although I consider it a tragedy in my life, I also see purpose. My purpose right now is to love and care for this sweet baby and cherish every SINGLE SECOND that I have with him/her. My first little bean has already made me a better person and I know for sure I will be a better mother.

10) Always try to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there, I promise.

Here are a few things I am excited for this month:

We will be having our gender reveal party this weekend with all of our closest family and friends and will finally be able to tell the world what Baby M is!

I will be hitting the half-way point in my pregnancy this month, a huge mile stone for me!

My baby’s kicks will only get stronger from this point on and I can’t wait.

We will also be deciding on a name for this sweet pea. Seriously, somebody PINCH ME!!

Until Next Time…

katiesig11

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