Now that my son is almost 3, I feel like I have learned SO much in these last 3 years. I am finally in a place where I feel confident not only in him but in my abilities to be a mom and I owe ALL of it to him but I promise it wasn’t always like that.
I wish I would have trusted in the fact that he would meet every milestone that he was supposed to in his “own time”. I used to worry so much about him falling behind because he was a late bloomer compared to everyone else’s babies…or so I thought but in reality..he was reaching these milestones when HE was supposed to not according to the doctors or some book. I look back and feel like I rushed and doubted him. I probably took him to the doctors more than I should, he saw therapists and specialists just because he was a few months “behind”. None of it did any good because he didn’t NEED the help and unfortunately that is something I can only understand now. I try not to beat myself up about it as I know its something all of us first time moms have to experience first hand to know any better but the guilt is still there.
I am noticing that there a lot of things I apologize for and always will because he is my first born. While there are many perks to being the first born, there are also downfalls. First born’s are our test dummies, trial runs and guinea pigs but on the flip side they get all the attention they could ever need only if it is for just a little while. He is my world, my life, every ounce of me has revolved around him and him only. I wouldn’t have it any other way. The memories we have created and shared are ours, and ours only. He got the purest form of me and I got the same from him and that is something only a first born will ever get to experience.
Sometimes when I think about future children, I feel sad because I know they wont get that undivided attention like he did but I know for a fact that I will be a better mom because he taught me how to “Mom” and I will never be able to thank him enough for that, although I must say he did not make it easy on me.
He came into this world early and had me laboring for 72 hours will no medication. He refused to breastfeed, refused normal formula, refused solids and still refuses to try anything new and barely eats which is the sole reason for my grey hairs already. He didn’t sit unassisted until he was 7 months which doctors blamed his extra chunk and rolls for- LOL. He didn’t crawl until he was 11 months(most kids are walking by then) and didn’t take one step until he was 15 months. He didn’t speak until he was 2 1/2 and still doesn’t really speak in full clear sentences. Oh and he never ever slept. I hear all these mom’s talking about sleep regressions and I literally laugh out loud because I don’t know what that is.. because he never slept.. I am happy to say that he is sleeping a little better now but only in my bed, right next to me or on top of me so while he may be sleeping better, I still rock saggy dark under eyes on the daily but I’m okay with that. I am mombie and I will wear it proudly.
To say he has stressed me out in the last few years is an understatement. The whole eating situation is still a huge stress but we are working on it and I am learning to let it be. His pediatrician has been a huge help letting me know that it doesn’t matter if he eats Mac & Cheese, beans or Pancakes for every single meal or refuses to touch a vegetable. He is off the charts for his height and weight and lets face it- he obviously ain’t starving yall. I am very thankful for her reassurance these past couple of years as I’m sure I would have jumped off the deep end by now if it wasn’t for her.
(Pictured with his beloved beans)
When I think back on all of this, I am sorry for all the days and nights I worried and focused on what he wasn’t doing vs what he WAS doing. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and trust that little chunky cheek toothy grin and I’m sorry for that. He has paved the way for his future siblings, as they will get a better part of me he never had and I’m sure one day they will thank him for that too. I will make most of my mistakes with him and I hope one day he will forgive me.
If I could give any words of advice to first time mom’s out there- it’s to let it be and stop worrying so much. Stop stressing if your child doesn’t eat, sleep, speak, etc. and don’t compare them to anyone else or ever think they are behind because of a so called milestone. Milestones are a buncha bull. Things will get better, promise!
In one week, we will be the parents of a three year old for the first time. Right now, we have no idea what that might bring, but we know he will show us and lead us through that unknown jungle of new phases and milestones and challenges.
I know people say no kid is perfect but he is damn near perfect and we are SO proud of the little boy he is becoming and so so thankful for what he has taught us in the short 3 years he has been on this earth. He marches to the beat of his own drum and it makes me smile knowing he gets that from me ❤
So here’s to the next year full of I’m sorry’s and I love yous!
Until Next Time..